I’m Dying: Who’s on my Vigil Team?

Miriam-Webster defines vigil as: 1: the act of keeping awake at times when sleep is customary. Also: a period of wakefulness 2: an event or period of time when a person or group stays in a place and quietly waits, prays, etc., especially at night.

The Cancer Council NSW defines it this way: “being with the dying person is a way to show support and love. This is called keeping a vigil. The person may be sedated or unconscious at this time.”

sacreddying.org defines it this way: “Vigiling with the dying is being present at the bedside - quietly, peacefully - during the final hours of a person’s life. It is keeping watch so that the loved one is not alone. It is provided spiritual presence with the dying. It can include the act of praying, talking, and performing rituals. A vigil accompanies a person from life to death, while providing whatever is necessary to make the transition peaceful. We recognize that death is a sacred transition, and we, the living, are honored to be in it’s presence.

For years I’ve thought about my death, not in a morbid way but just as a fact of life. One day I will enter that season. My husband wants to go quick “Elizabeth, I’m coming to you” as Fred Sanford would say (only if you are over 50 will you know this reference). I on the other hand want to feel ok, not guaranteed, and have time to say goodbye to friends and family. I want to have a live wake where you can tell me all the things you love about me and feel free to roast me.

But the thing most important to me is that I will have loved ones around me. My friends know their roles in my vigil as I have reminded them and revised their roles over the years as this Season will come to pass at some time. Of course “The Girls” and my family are hoping I outlive them as they want me to take care of them when their season comes.

So here are their jobs in writing if they forget. Tina is my advocate. She is as ornery as me and won’t settle for any B.S. She is also a nurse and I know in a pinch, she can help out in “other ways” if needed. Tammy is an avid reader like myself and I’ve assigned her the job of reading to me. I trust she’ll pick out something appropriate for the moment. Brenda is not only a dear friend but also does my hair. She will make sure my hair is appropriately coiffed before and... after death. LOL. Jo will bring me alcohol or will drink one for me if needed and make me laugh. She will also laugh with me or at me, whichever may be needed. I love to laugh at myself, so she is allowed to do so as well as others. Pam will pray with me and for me. The others I’m sure will be doing this too but Pam is assigned this specific role.

My Mom and sisters will have their roles as well. They can lie in bed with me if they want, I don’t need my hospice nurse or anyone other than Bob or my sisters to do this. They need to make sure my clothing is in style and go to V.O.A. To get me some new things to wear when the old ones wear out. You can find some really cute things there. Feel free to cut my “cute nightgown” down the back. I like Vera Wang stuff at Kohl’s. Makes it easier to change and clean a person that way. Make sure Bob isn’t overwhelmed by the number of visitors or the amount of time they stay. He needs to have time to be with me without others. So maybe setting up visiting hours....check with him.

Bob knows if he dies first I’m screwed as far as technology goes. Though if he goes first, I may be in a first class ALF. Thank you honey! Also I’ll move to a smaller place as I hate yard work. LOL.

But in the event I an outta here first, He can be with me any time he wants. He can tell Terry or MB when he’s had enough company. He knows I want music playing on Pandora, Maverick City music station if I’m still with it, George Winston piano music station, or Nature sounds with or without instrumental if I’m semi or unconscious. He also knows I need lotion rubbed on my arms and legs so I don’t itch. Please have my teeth brushed after meals. Or use those pink foam swabs. I hate bad smells, so peppermint oil sprinkled in the room can freshen things up and lavender spray on my pillow or in a diffuser is nice.

My kids and grandkids can hang out anytime they want. Feel free to bring the grandkids... death doesn’t have to be a scary thing. Make sure I’m medicated so my symptoms aren’t so obvious to them. Tell funny stories and talk to me. You can tell me you’ll be ok when I’m gone and you’ll look in on dad for me. Tell me its ok for me to go when I’m ready.

I heard someone say they had a chair outside the room for people to sit in for a few minutes to compose themselves and think of something they want to share with me. I know you may shed a few tears as you will miss me...come on you know you will. It’s ok to tell me that and Bob will make sure there are tissues there to wipe your tears and blow your nose. Just don’t blather on about what you’re sorry about. I think that’s about all, I’m sure I’ll have some more ideas and will add as necessary.